Flash * Bulbs - Headlines for a WILD New Year

As 2024 ends and 2025 begins, enjoy these breaking news headlines as we ring in the malificent new year.

*NRA publishes open letter to mass shooters, proposes “carnage holiday” thru Jan 2nd.

*RFK Jr stammers out holiday musical favorites, field dresses reindeer on cover of upcoming Christmas Album

*Bashir-Al-Assad spotted in wetsuit with surfboard outside Tulsi Gabbard’s Maui guest house

*Trump sues University of Oregon Ducks over use of “Apex Predator”, vows to crush Bron Breakker and finally unify WWE belt

*Sour, Cranky, Wheezy, Gimpy and Expired - Mature Spice Girls reunite for 2025 Old Spice World Tour

*Pentagon reveals Incoming SecDef cash-only reception at The Camelot Showbar VIP room

*Touting Soprano’s success, incoming IRS Chief mulls door-to-door envelope tax collections

*Linda McMahon secures narrow House confirmation vote by subduing ranking Democrat with rear naked choke hold

*Trump guarantees 11 million Black Jobs, touts imminent deportations “Best thing since I emancipated those people”

*As incoming DOJ threatens hearings, Biden refutes “politically motivated dog biting”, pardons Commander

*Trump threatens Kroger’s - “Reduce Locally Raised Egg Prices Or Face Tariffs!”

*Musk purchases Rhode Island for $7B, Trump offers to EU in trade package for Greenland

*CONSERVATIVES REDEFINE ECSTASY - Pink Punisher handgun overtakes Wonder Wand intimite massager as 2024 top holiday seller.

*Obama finally admits never born in US - “I only spoke Farci until 2003.”

*SURVIVOR 48 - “FIGHT LIKE HELL” - CBS season premiere Feb 7th. Competing MAGA, ANTIFA tribes airdrop into Lansing, MI with one mission: Topple The Deep State

*Incarceration Dinner Parties - Martha Stewart, Liz Cheney swap tips on how to win over your most dangerous party guests

*“I’m a true believer in 47” - Read our exclusive interview with Jesus Christ

*Transgender congresswoman Sarah McBride (D-Del) spotted peeing behind capitol building tree

*Princeton ‘25 class loses 147 pre-law seniors to transfer portal, promises easier exams, stronger NIL package to ‘26 recruits

*Marjorie Taylor-Greene issues New Year’s apology, says seducing pastor, discharging firearm, indecent exposure at holiday party “inconsistent with my Christian values”

*DOGE unveils for-profit government model co-sponsored with Liberty Mutual - “Only Pay For What You Need”, starting @ $199/week

*Trump promises Ghislane Maxwell pardon, appoints convicted sex trafficker Ambassador to UK

CONGRESSIONAL FANTASY LEAGUE - Week 16:

Bench - Romney, Harris, T. Swift, Oprah

Start - Patel, Mace, Trump, AOC

Move to IR - Pelosi, Biden, McConnell

*Trump sells actual right ear fragments on Truth Social for $25K, autographed complete lobe fetches eye-popping $731K

*Kari Lake denies Pacers beat Suns Friday despite 113-97 score, demands NBA suspend league play pending investigation

*AI algorithm performing 100% of Illinois businessman’s life tasks during month-long Netflix binge

*Matt Gaetz inadvertently sends Jane Doe accuser $550 Cameo greeting wishing happy 17th birthday

*Incoming OMB chief announces E. Jean Carroll will pay for Mexico border wall

*“Back To Business” Bosses-Only Summit Of The Families - Xi, Putin, Kim, Trump hold secret meeting at Palm Beach Olive Garden

*Melania Knauss deportation hearing looms as former First Lady announces new NFT offerings, reactivates Slovenian OnlyFans page

*FREE DIDDY - Jailed music mogul countersues 7,043 accusers, calls roofies, acute rectal trauma “consensual”

*Fox cancels Russia-Ukraine War Season 4 for poor ratings. shifts programming to Real Housewives of Aspen Season 1

*Trump Bible shoots to Amazon #1 bestseller, national book tour teases “surprise ending”

*Secret Service reveal new POTUS codeword: CALIGULA

FANDUEL - 2025 Early HotBets:

Ted Cruz to Supreme Court 7 to 2

19th Amendment repealed 5 to 2

Trump wins Nobel Peace Prize 3 to 1

Milley not executed 8 to 1

Kanye heads Space Force 9 to 1

Trump / Bondi wedding 5 to 1

Deportations 8.7M OVER

Democracy holds NO ACTION